I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
