my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize