There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
