you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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