I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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