allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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