the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
