I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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