im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
of course. lets lasso hookers.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
