I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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