I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
