i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
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