You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
