Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
