And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
