You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
