I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
