After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
