that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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