Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
