He asked to "fluff my boner.."
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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