What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
