just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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