my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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