You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
What a dumb baby whore.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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