so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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