it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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