Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
