I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
