my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
