I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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