hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
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Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
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It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
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