well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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