If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize