just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
