I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
