remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'm just crazy horny about you
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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