Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
