Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
