seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
