Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
