You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
