We won't sleep together?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
