new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
