Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
