My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
