I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Randomize
