I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
