Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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