the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
