There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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