He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
