i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
