i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
