worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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