dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
