i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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