He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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