New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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