I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
