woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
